It's Raining in Baltimore but Everything Else is the Same

I usually use this little slice of cyberspace to discuss music, movies, or other pop culture related topics that are of little or no import. This post is of a much different variety. It is a serious look at the moments that define our lives. It is also, in part, a cathartic exercise in moving forward.

Over the last few months I have been given the duplicitous gift of being unemployed. I have accomplished little more than discovering that I don't like daytime t.v., I am an amazing MW2 player (Modern Warfare 2 for those of you that aren't in-the-know), and am completely lost without a job. I spend the majority of my days questioning the decisions I've made that brought me to my current situation. I analyze, reanalyze and overanalyze opportunities missed and energy wasted. I question my belief system, my place in the universe, and the expectations I place on others and myself. You know the usual stuff that keeps people awake at 3:30 a.m. on a Thursday.

A recurring theme of these inner discussions is the meaninglessness of life. I don't mean that life doesn't have any meaning, but rather that what I place meaning in has no real consequence. The type of car I drive, the brand of suit I wear, how I like my latte (little foam with an extra shot just incase you were wondering), the neighborhood I live in, how others perceive me, etc. I have always been aware that these things are only important for a moment in time and have no lasting value, but when I contemplate the amount of time and energy I have devoted to the pursuit of the perfect version of myself I am confounded.

I remember as a child I loved playing the piano. Now I only regret that I didn't keep playing. I traded playing music for playing sports because it seemed more 'manly.' The same is true for art. I abandoned dreams of going to art school because business school sounded more proper. I could continue down this list of forks in the road and decisions made based on appearances ad infinitum (but I won't). The bottom line is that this desire to please the little elitist in my head has landed me nowhere. It has left me feeling hollow and disenfranchised. I have an education that cost me over 100k, an apartment filled with 10's of thousands of dollars worth of crap, a wardrobe befitting a rockstar (albeit a very unmusically talented one) and seemingly, insurmountable debt.

This would all be inconsequential if not for an epiphany I had several months ago. I would simply continue blotting out the consciousness of my existence with my Visa Black Card while I clawed my way to the top of the corporate heap. Instead I awoke one day at 27 years old and realized that the career path I had chosen was in direct opposition to my true belief system. Yep, this materialistic whore awoke to realize that he had assassinated the beautiful, creative creature inside of himself and replaced it with a coldhearted, image conscious dictator. (Picture if Mother Theresa had chosen a path more befitting of Martha Stewart and you'll begin to grasp the rude awakening I'm talking about). Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with Marketing or sales. For many they represent fulfilling careers and financial security. However, for this guy they represent the easier, softer way. They represent the selling out and selling off of dreams to control my financial security. So I did what any rational person would do. I packed my bags and moved to Hollywood, one of the most nonmaterialistic cities in the world, where it is possible to get by just upon a smile (damn straight I just mixed sarcasm with a Cat Stevens' lyric, I had a spiritual awakening not a lobotomy).

All of this is to say that I have decided to transform the pages of the mad matter to a journal of my journey through the troubled waters of my inner consciousness. I will be sharing with you the trials and tribulations as I trudge this road to happy destiny. Little is know about the path that I am headed down but the end result is most definitely a better version of myself. The version of me that choses a career based on my passion for music rather than my passion for nice watches. I invite you to come along for the ride. There will be joy, sadness, triumphs, disappointments, tears and laughter. All of which are essential ingredients of a life worth living.